2019 —My Heteropessimist Origin Story

 

2019 was the end of a pickme era and the beginning of a self-centered life. I decided that is when I would put the energy of seeking that Disney happily ever after into myself and finding all of the things that make me happy and whole. Self fucking actualization. No more dating app swiping time sucks, no more self-pitying, no more waiting. If you don’t like it, change it, if you can’t change it, change the way you feel about it. For me I decided I would change what I could and that was me. 

I truly think that we all have the energy to have only a finite number of relationships and J was the end of the rope for me. When he ghosted me after flying across the country to celebrate his birthday September 2019, I decided that I would celebrate the start of my glow up journey instead. I changed my ticket from DC to Montreal and had an eat pray love adventure. 

Then Covid struck. I decided to embrace my solitude, learn new hobbies like gardening, art, shooting and scuba diving. I was expanding my interests and healing my inner child and strengthening my bonds with my friends and family, because during that dark period, life felt so fleeting and creating moments and experiences seemed way more fulfilling than dick. Hell, starting a family despite being in my late thirties was the last thing I wanted to do during an apocalypse. I did, however, become an auntie to my BFF’s pandemic baby from some rando from tinder. I don’t blame her; those were desperate times. Even I, admittedly had spinned the block on an ex during lockdown, as well as had some short-lived dalliances none of which I entertained with any seriousness as I had J. By 2021 I had entered my celibacy era. I suppose in 2024 we called it 4B. I was getting more serious about glowing up inside and out and decided to make some changes. 

#1 Decenter heterosexual relationships

#2 never pass up an opportunity to travel

#3 fix past failures

#4 Glow the fuck up for my 40s

So, I did. in 2022 I restarted my braces journey from 2009 leading to 2024’s jaw surgery because my past fear of tooth extraction got in the way of greatness. In 2022 I started my MBA journey finishing March 2024, after having dropped out of Columbia for grad school during the Great Recession. I welcomed in my 40s in Bali. I started my weight loss journey in 2023 losing 65 pounds as of today. I am crushing this glow up and learning so much of the stuff I should have learned growing up, reparenting myself to do my natural hair, do my own makeup, prepare meals from scratch. My parents shielded me from any self-betterment that wasn’t school related for better or for worse. Couldn’t have their retirement plan fiddling around with makeup when the studies led to a bigger payoff. Lastly, I got into therapy, where I learned the importance of breaking cycles and self-love and care.

This blog is dedicated to the sacred and infinite personal growth the XX can experience by living without the societal expectation to become disposable resources to the XY. The divine feminine seeker. The heteropessimist.